The road never traveled ...

Julia Roberts (as Elizabeth Gilbert) in "Eat Pray Love"

I saw "Eat Pray Love" on Tuesday night — and I cried ... a LOT. I think I ended up crying through about two-thirds of the movie — and it wasn’t at the sad parts **spoiler alert** like when Elizabeth Gilbert (played by Julia Roberts) leaves her husband (Billy Crudup), or when she breaks up with David (James Franco) or when she and Philippe (Javier Bardem) have a true heart-to-heart moment ... none of those moments elicited a single tear.

It actually took me a while to figure out for myself why exactly I WAS crying, and I’m not sure I fully get it even now, more than 24 hours of personal evaluations later. At the very surface of my emotions was my own connection to Liz’s need to find herself, and the need to travel to do that. (And, I'll admit, a bit of envy that she was able to make a living doing what I've dreamed of doing — being a travel writer.)

One of the happiest times
in my life was my semester
abroad, including this night
spent being a kid on a street
carousel in Florence.

I feel like lately I’ve been having a quarter-life crisis. I feel burned out at work and restless in practically every aspect of my life except my relationship (which, granted, is a huge part of my life, but not the entirety of it).

Every path in life that you choose means that you’re not choosing another path. And that’s not to say that the path you’ve chosen is the right or wrong one, it’s just that there always will be another one you’re not taking. I always have felt blessed for my family and friends, but often also have felt that I have made a lot of my life-shaping decisions based on their approval or what would make everyone else happy ... not necessarily what would make me happy.

I connected with Liz on that level. It took her life falling apart completely, severing all ties with the ones she loved, for her to have the opportunity to finally do something for herself and just get up and leave. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying I want something like that to happen to me. I’m in a very healthy and happy relationship ... the kind I’ve been looking for since boys stopped being icky. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend and eventually start a family with him and build our lives together.

Partaking in plenty of my
own "Eat"-ing in Italy
(February 2007)

But amid that decision and desire of mine to create that kind of life for us is that damn bite that won’t stop itching. That fucking travel bug bite that no matter how much I scratch it only dulls for a while and then flares up stronger than ever.

But I can’t just pick up and leave for a year — my ties to home are too strong. And that’s not a bad thing ... honestly it’s a great thing. “Travelers may yearn for the bearable lightness of the open highway, but we’re not, as is commonly believed, rootless. Personally, I am fond of home. That’s why I keep adding new ones. And that’s why expats are so good at putting down roots. They have lots of practice,” writes Eric Weiner in a WorldHum.com piece titled “The Shrink-Wrapped Traveler.” Hear, hear!

“There are inherent problems in trying to emulate one woman's quest of self-discovery, and inevitable disappointments — the largest of which is that you will never learn that you are, in fact, Elizabeth Gilbert. Her experiences were what they were because she carved her own path not one already written for her. And I can tell you with certainty that there aren’t enough Javier Bardems here to go around,” stated a piece on jezebel.com titled “How Elizabeth Gilbert Ruined Bali.”

I fully believe it's impossible to be in
Italy and NOT gain weight ...

I agree completely. Following someone else’s path is not the way to find your own “word,” as Gilbert describes in the book (and movie). Each person and place has a word that describes his or her or its essence. Gilbert eventually finds her word ... I’m still looking for mine ... but I know I won’t find it following her path. I have to carve out my own.

I remember when Eat Pray Love was published and I heard about it through the grapevine. I picked it up and devoured it. I related to it on a different level than I did the movie two days ago. I saw it as a guide to the possibilities that awaited me. I started planning how I would tell my parents that I was leaving for a year to go back to London and live there for a while, because I was so happy there ... and then how I’d travel all over Europe just to find out exactly where I belong (true, at the time, I wanted to follow Gilbert’s path through the culinary awesomeness that she described Italy was) ... and how I would go see India, not from the walls of an ashram, but exploring its amazing culture all on my own. (I eventually did take a tour through India and Nepal earlier this year that proved to be an eye- and mind-opening experience.)

A ghat on the Ganghes in Varanassi, India

But life has other plans for us than we dream up for ourselves. And that’s partly why I cried through the movie ... I cried for the never-accomplished plans of a 20-year-old girl who recently had graduated college, who was happy without a care in the world. It’s been only four years, but my life has changed several decade’s worth ... in some horrible ways (my mom’s illness and death) and other wonderful ways (finding true love).

Liz’s search revolves around balance ... finding a balance within herself. I think I’m still working that out ... but lucky for me, I have an incredible support system to help me with that. Eventually I do plan to see the world, and I fully believe that I will ... with those I love and the family that I, at some point, help to create for myself.

In the meantime, it’s back to scratching that itch one plane ticket at a time ...